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All process, all the time.
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| january 1 |
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More snow, more layers on reclamation projects which have frames. Haven't worked on the cheese above for almost a year, ground it down with oil and 400 paper, then was able to take it to a slightly different place. Used without a couch on this type of surface, the new putty with a bit of egg in it allows for crisper edges and more detailed detail but it doesn't blend or layer in quite the way I want it to yet. Not sure if this is a function of being too careful with paintings I'd like to be finishing or if I'll need to make a further adjustment. Could work with two different versions of each color, one mixed with regular putty, one with the egg putty, then intermix them or not. Waning moon, am still being more tentative than I'd like, but this is just different enough that I feel a bit held back. At a certain point experience with this will lead to more confident paint again. Would love to finish up for this show clean and strong, have a new moon on the 8th, hang it on the week of the 13th. But, zoot alors, that distant rumble and cloud of dust on the horizon can only be Marshal Entropy hurrying to yet another epic engagement.
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| january 2 |
More snow, had to go get my car inspected, a little hairy but okay. Beautiful morning later, slowly sunned off. Since I was out, decided to go for a first round of show-related errands, but with mixed results. Got going a little bit on the work in the afternoon, but wandered into the waning moon trenches and then it got too dark to work. Drat, need to get bold with these paintings, can't nibble. I did fix one but it was so broken it'll need several more passes. Sort of frustrating day, classic waning moon series of disconnects but hard to tell when those days will be: tomorrow may be fine . Pretty cold as the sun sets, squeaky snow so it must be close to zero. Another day and another set of chances tomorrow. Need to rein in my expectations around this show. Wish there were more time. Also, it was dumb to agree to it because of the season: hard on me, hard on potential visitors and patrons. But, having committed doesn't mean that I can miraculously resurrect painting after painting just because it would be great to have more finished work. I'm just a slow painter, I do what I can but keep seeing more.
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| january 3 |
Quite cold but sunny and lovely, had an odd day of too much nervous energy to do any painting, so, ran around correcting yesterday's errands. Not sure the method I've been trying of patiently putting layers on paintings I've had a hard time finishing for years now is such a good use of the remaining time before this show. Have been a little crabby of late that I agreed to do this, will really have to twist some friendly arms to get an undead opening, it might snow or be below zero anyway. But, have also realized there will be plenty of work, that I'm one of the worst critics of the work, and that the great thing about this show is that I can show unfinished work and talk about the process. Will anybody who isn't a painter ever believe that my life is more than playing around? I only wish. So, trying to relax and find a little more space inside for the next week or so: once I'm in the room with the work, the fun part will begin. Why is it hard to accept that all is well, that the present moment is it, the only place to focus, and that involvement with the past and future is principally useless? Well, maybe not useless, but certainly for me an ongoing exercise in brooding to excess. People outside the executive branch tend to agree that the unexamined life is not worth living, but the overexamined life has a relentlessness I'd love to somehow truncate. Think that may be what I'm running into with the work right now: began an interesting set of new smaller paintings before the holidays, quick experiments in which I felt really free to mess up and through which I learned a lot quickly. Would love to pick that up again, expand into new ideas and be present with the work, rather than going backwards and sideways finishing older work with tons of built in issues I've already solved in newer work. Should just follow my own mantra of following the energy, doing what truly wants to be done. Process versus product, the perennial issue: easy to be waylaid by a sense that more effort will solve the product question when it never does. On the other hand, there are ways in which the product pressure creates movement that's good. Hey, who's side am I on here? The ongoing struggle for balance is a challenge but also fundamentally pretty interesting. Would like to learn how to take it less personally, though, since the cycle of victory and defeat is so arbitrary and complex. Anyway, hoping for a little more clarity and progress in the next few days. New moon next week, sure to introduce another unpredictable element, hope to work with it somehow.
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| january 4 |
Overcast, less bitingly cold. Worked on two paintings today, several hours each, slightly different method. Got lots of paint on both, usually a good sign, pushes it at least past the former stage, lots of paint is easier to turn into a painting. Will continue tomorrow, have a clear line up now of things that are larger, could use just a little more development. In spite of all of yesterday's elegant philosophizing about process and product, not sure what else I can do in this last week or so. Just try to stay loose, play my own game, not get too wound up about it.
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| january 5 |
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Up half the night, got a late start. Trying to stay on the bright side with the show project, but predictably, between the winter, the overcast, and the sense that it is in every way an exercise in quixotic futility, am not that into this: my lower back hurts, always a sign that arbitrary stress is being embraced. Hard to know how to approach the week to come, would love to really do the best I can simply because it's there to do. Would also much rather be making the new work, continuing the process of discovery that I know and love so well. But, for all the entropy and angst, didn't do too badly today, am learning some new things through this grind-it-out aspect of the process as well. Still, keep looking at the little studies done before going away for Christmas, these are really interesting to me.
Worked on all the paintings from yesterday, put up new images of two of them above the image from yesterday so they are easy to compare. Can't see that much at this scale, have to look, but I'm covering the whole thing, trying to figure out what done means in each case. Think the upper image is a day away, the lower image is two days away. Image above is nearing completion, better than the image, has always had an overall glare because of the broken technique. Lots of paint, goes in a really nice real gold frame, about 10x21 inches, linen on panel. Have two of these, one from last winter, will show them side by side to compare and contrast elements of the new style with the old style which used a bit of amber varnish in the paint instead of the putty. Different techniques producing different looks with the same palette and image. There will be several types of these pairs at the show.
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| january 6 |
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| january 7 |
Very warm and peculiar, saw, I kid you not, a swarm of mosquitoes in the afternoon. But they left me alone, aware that I have no blood left. Got up later than ever since being a sullen teenager, did nothing but minor stuff around the materials after staring vacantly into space for about an hour over a cup of tea. It was so nice to stare vacantly into space, I can't tell you. Back still hurts, not terrible but enough is enough with the push for this show: it's over. Too bad, have lots of work that's close, but need to be careful and patient, not get sick, go into the exhibit week with lots of positivity. Don't feel gloomy, just hit the inevitable wall sooner in the winter. I do bounce, might get a bit in later in the week, but probably won't be functional tomorrow either. Would love to plan the show further but can't really tell how much educational stuff I'll be able to get in until the show itself takes shape, would like to do as much as possible to help de-mystify both the art and the craft, this part is fun, easy, and people love it.
My friend Douglas sent me a list of the maxims of Tokuwawa, the first Shogun of Japan, as part of our ongoing neo-classical Stoic dialogue. A tough egg in the vein of Marcus Aurelius. One of them seems particularly appropriate right now: "The insufficient is better than the superfluous."
And now, to finish some highly therapeutic organic turkey-escarole soup.
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| january 8 |
Another bizarrely warm day, mid-sixties and sun. Was unable to work again, just did errands, everyone was in a kind of happy daze. Then became involved in an aborted hard drive install on this older computer: have two, was trying to replace the original but couldn't get the second drive bootable without the first. Don't understand this but it's logical of course. Nothing's broken, just preventive maintenance that almost broke it. Some of the stuff I used before to do this isn't working right, need to calm down and re-think this. Ah well, have been through all this before, at least I stopped short of having to re-install the system. New moon, very zany energy, trying to work with it without getting too carried away. Will hopefully get back down to painting tomorrow, have much which is close. But have decided to trust where the feeling of this is going rather than chaining myself to the easel. The old greed, it dies hard even when it's so obviously not helpful.
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| january 9 |
Still warm, had some sun after rain. Got up at a decent hour finally, had a slow start but picked up speed, might have accomplished something in terms of finishing these recalcitrant landscape paintings. Moved several images forward, had a good time with it, will give it all another go tomorrow. Closer, closer. The other categories of work are well represented, would love to be able to augment this one. At least this round of the Entropic Wars has shown me how to finish these *%$+?#&^#@! things, even if I've still just got a toehold. It seems to be about trying less, painting more. That is, I've done better by keeping a layer going for several days in a row, an hour or so at a time, rather than making one large effort on a given day and then muttering, "Impossible!" for the next month or so. Exactly what do I want? Well, if you imagine Corot meeting Hopper meeting Constable/Kensett, that sort of covers all the possible parameters. A snap, all the young turk painters in Burlington could do it if it weren't so completely beneath their intellectual dignity. Sigh, it will ever be thus. But, always a relief to find I haven't broken anything permanently, can paint acceptably once again. And, wonder of wonders, I figured out the hard drive conundrum. Made a crucial error in the original addition of the second drive, will need to rip it all apart and start over again to do what I want, not sure I can bear that in the foreseeable future. As usual, the true goal is understanding: whether this actually leads to success or not short term isn't nearly as much of an issue.
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| january 10 |
Sunny, temperature is heading back down. Steve the magic framer made a house call today, dropped off some framed work, very nice of him. Biggest news, he brought back the image on the postcard. Oil on linen, in the past I would have put it on a panel and framed it in an at least a somewhat traditional way. But chose instead to float it at the front of a glassed-in box ala the colorscape paintings from this past Spring. Now, framing gambles are always fun until you realize it may come back and not be as anticipated. But this worked out very well I think, a big relief: looks modern in the best way, a good bridge between the more 19th century landscape and the colorscape work.
Somewhat bleary of head but game, only have one more painting day before it's hardware time on Saturday. Continued to go after a specific set of images that I'd love to have for this, almost all of them more traditional landscapes that have frames, this is where the balance of the show is perhaps still weak. A few surprises, think I actually finished something I truly thought was hopeless. This is going to be interesting, while I start hanging on Sunday the 13th, the show doesn't open for a more than a week after that. So, after a few days of putting the educational stuff together, might have to go in for some discreet final touches ala Varnishing Days. Speaking of which, I've been doing some varnishing with the Durer sandarac varnish detailed by the National Gallery folks in London. I love this: thin, moderate shine, dries overnight hard, but it's dissolved in spike lavender and zowie is this stuff penetrating when you get a few images going at once. So, may do more of that on site than not, no more ventilating via the open door with the temperature dropping, actually have a little space heater on in the studio to help things dry. Have one remaining looming issue in the one large colorscape painting. It was made with copal, so put a very thinned out coat of copal on it today to try to equalize the shine. But this penetrated some areas of the paint more than others, resulting in a painting that may not be done anymore. Oops. It'll be dry tomorrow, can assess further. Will just bring it on Sunday anyway and work on it on site later in the week if necessary, might be fun. No beret, though.
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| january 11 |
Dark and rainy, halfway back to winter. Cleared up at the end of the day, photo of the corner looking over across the lake towards the Adirondacks, I love that building.
Borderline too dark to paint, too beat anyway: not tired as such, just done somehow. Worked on setting up paintings for the show, they always look better outside the studio. Will do more of that tomorrow, then start delivering in the afternoon. Then to the Center on Sunday early, feel it out, try to get as much up as I can. I'll learn more about the educational element as I go along. Good to be moving into as new phase with this.
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| january 12 |
Went out and picked up the last frame from Steve, dropped off some new work that's ready to be framed but not done: decided to minimize unfinished work in the show. Did errands for the show, hope to stay very local this week not go into box store land every other day. Lost one of my favorite small onion-garlic pieces in the afternoon, but to a favorite local client, and, appropriately for the palette, it's going to Madrid. I love this community interaction stuff, would like to generate more of it but it's a little iffy since my little house just cannot double as a gallery. Then took two loads of paintings over to the Center, think I have two more but with less in them, larger work. The show will be full, very full, thought so but wasn't sure. Inevitably there have been some things I saw today, an oops or two, will need to do some work at the Center on a few paintings that have gotten dinged in the inevitable chaos of the studio, might not be able to show a few I'd hoped for, etc. But, all in all, on the way to the next step with this, picking up some speed, nice to be headed downhill at last. Good to see it all in the room, amazing how much better it looks in civilization than in the hobbit hole of the studio. Would love to get back to actually doing the work but that's not going to happen for a week or so. A good opportunity now to really clean up the hobbit hole, ahem.
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| january 13 |
Wanted to get an early start but ended up awake half the night again. Then became inspired to try to get a few more things fixed here, fun actually, a little painting. So had a shorter day at the gallery but still got the walls covered, could not really have done more under the circumstances. Don't like a lot of it, but that's about right, will go in tomorrow and re-think things. Funny, it's all about feel: some of it feels right, some of it doesn't. A class came in in the afternoon to use the upstairs room, hadn't expected this. Had lots of comments, nothing negative but also somehow flippant. Complex to show all this after so long on my own with it, easy to recall why I left public life. But the worst part of this is hopefully over, will plug away in the days to come, hopefully implement some fun new ideas.
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| january 14 |
Wet snow all day, not much accumulation, a pretty mess of a day. Had an interview this morning with the editor of one of the local papers, went truly beyond any expectations, was fun to find ways to explain this stuff to the smart viewer, worked a lot with my friend Alison's analogy of the slow food movement. Which went over well, think this slant on the technique may click with Vermont: the individual doing it the old way better than the corporation doing it the new way. Then went to the gallery. Up again during the night, I'd realized what was wrong and how to fix it. But the regular gallery person was there, who has been very helpful, so we talked it over and I got their advice too. We did some successful mutual object management, then I did some touch-up painting of the hollow core doors we introduced . A funny example of the people thing at this point: if somebody starts dictating terms to me, total resistance is quiet perhaps but instant. But if somebody wants to work on it together, I'm all for it. I mean, sincerely, way more than ever before. So need to just relax a little, I'm treating people well, being treated well. No need to go into the organizational history that created this lingering sense of profound anxiety, is there? Worked on the text stuff this afternoon and evening, it's turning out more pragmatic and story oriented, less designed to single-handedly usher in The Age of Aquarius than before. Will go in tomorrow and finish hanging after some work here on paintings I'm still hoping to get in. The more the merrier at this point, have room now in a better way. The night of the opening is not shaping up well in terms of weather, as in cancellation potential, but just have to wait and see.
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| january 15 |
Got up early, worked on a few paintings that are dry and almost ready to go. Closer, closer. Made a shift in the couch medium, used a smidge more sun oil, found a feel I really like, mobile but tighter. Then a lot of stuff happened all at once: a visit, a phone call and several e-mails. After much e-frustration with a computer -- mine -- in transition from one functional configuration to another, I ended up taking a CD of selected hi-resolution images to the local paper for their article which they needed, of course, asap. But, it sounds like they may do a decently large article on the show, not as much competition in the winter, I was actually back to polite when I handed it off, so all that's good. I'd love more local people to see this collection of work, get beyond the usual suspects, art for everyone. Then finished the painting that had been interrupted by all that and headed back to the gallery. Did the logical changes, hung another round of work. Had several compliments on it from folks going in and out, but I'm still not feeling like I quite have this corralled. Need to figure out one more thing technically, but more importantly need to find the focus, the kernel, the raison d'etre. The simple fact is it's the wrong time of year, the sap is not exactly flowing, feel like I should just be in, not out. Was so happy to get back to the easel, I love my boingy paint! All okay, just a little odd: slouching casually towards my biennial fifteen minutes. Where has the usual frenzied messianic fervor gone? Is this the dawn of professional maturity? Or a daring psy-ops gambit by Marshall Entropy, luring me into a false sense of security? Will work on the text stuff tonight, then repeat the same pattern tomorrow, studio in the morning, gallery in the afternoon.
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| january 16 |
Figured out how to finish up the room last night during my now standard period of awakeness from 2 to 6, urgh. Did that today after writing and printing a decent amount of the text stuff: hung a pair of hollow core doors open in the middle of the room, suspended from the ceiling. They need to be stabilized, will use a more narrow hollow core door I've got here as an end cap. This set-up is less obtrusive and space efficient than anything so far, will give more room for both educational material and outdoor landscape work. Will hopefully also get a few more framed landscapes in, but am finding it harder to multi-task with this right now, the writing takes time, there's a lot of it. But, seems clear that getting the existing show done is more important than augmenting it, the article in the paper comes out tomorrow, Saturday will be a big visitor day if the weather is decent in spite of the show opening officially on the 22nd. Small town. Weather for the opening is looking better, warmer, only need the snow to arrive eight hours later. Feel okay about how the whole project is shaping up in spite of really not being able to work on it in the usual way. Will do more text and process photos tonight. Getting behind with stuff like dishes and phone messages, still eating well, though, no potato chips yet. Can hopefully really sleep tonight, this would be helpful.
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| january 17 |
You can tell you're doing an exhibit when there are odd little piles of hardware everywhere, when you sit down only to remove something forgotten and sharp from your back pocket.
Wrote and took photographs all morning, went to the gallery around noon with a new installment of stuff. Was criticized yesterday by a visitor for the show not having a title panel. Realized that was sort of a compliment, since it didn't look or feel as undone to them as it did to me. But yikes, hadn't even thought about a title panel. At the museum, these were done on MDF with vinyl letters: the vinyl cutter and its myriad idiosyncrasies were truly beyond me and I was happy for them to remain so: I just painted the MDF, and painted it well I might add. I associate title panels with more genuine or official exhibits, exhibits with time lines, budgets, dysfunctional curators with bulging eyes, etc. So, today's major development was the assembly, on the fly, of a quite respectable title panel for this show. No grant proposals were written, no meetings were had, no large neurotic dogs were walked, no luncheons with board members hurried off for. But, I wax museumish.
Took the little exhibit that could a step further, began the educational part and figured out which paintings and texts should go in the remaining slots. A strange procedure, it can only go so fast, has to be thoroughly tethered by intuition. The bookkeeper was there today, a formidable negative presence, a La Brea tar pit of barely contained pestilential fury with life, avoiding the bookkeeper is essential but also somehow sad, enervating. Came home, felt like the keel of fifty Intrepids, took the nap of the living lead. Feel okay about where this is, by the time the exhibit is open officially, it'll be done. Now things are looking less well for the opening as far as the weather. I'd prefer an outright postponement to having a few people come out in the snow, truly hope it's not my fate to attend an empty opening. But if such is the divine will, what can a mere mortal do?
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| january 18 |
Snow, then a lovely soft sunny day, strange soft robin's egg blue in the sky. Had a minor bing last night about how to tie it up, filled all the remaining wall space today. Put up a few more texts and photos, got the label list done for the gallery. Total of sixty-four paintings, got a few more good still life images in I'd been working on, almost dry today, but none of the landscapes I'd been trying to get. They don't look that bad, but refuse to be rushed. Which is okay, this is turning into the death of a thousand tweaks anyway and I'm still not done: three more texts to write, would love to get a copy of the Formulas page edited and printed out for display. Weary but okay, nothing to do but chip away at it. Now the 24th is sunny, no snow, cold but that doesn't stop stuff around here. So, possibly a good development, may have to try to figure out what to wear after all.
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| january 20 |
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| january 21 |
Gee, put up more texts for the show.
Began some clean up, have a feeling a bigger one is coming, started excavations at unprecedented levels. Too much work too, leftover odds and ends that sort of drag me down to even look at them. Time to chuck some stuff out, see if I can create a new dispensation for myself in this house. Began to re-do some oil tests that were a little too dense or concentrated, always fun to turn a bad to the good. Functional, but not able to concentrate that well later in the day. Will need a few more quiet days before anything interesting surfaces, no point in pushing it.
A nice article with lots of color photos came out about the show in The Shelburne News last week if you're local. Interesting to see how it's perceived from a more mainstream but not unfriendly point of view.
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| january 22 |
Moon beginning to wane. Mostly just cleaned up here, moved mountains of detritus around and pitched stuff, good to see some semblance of order returning. Strange balance of weariness and nervous energy, no real idea what will come next with the work, had some inklings but still feel a little overwhelmed down there. Patience. Need to adjust the lighting in the gallery tomorrow, might do a little touch up stuff to the walls. Glad I didn't have much in the way of expectations with this show, it looks like they are going to be adjusted downwards anyway: don't feel the economic situation in these Benighted States is going to be stabilizing anytime soon. But so much depends on intangibles in a local venue, the right feeling can overcome the resistance. And, it might be possible to have a show that was successful in other ways. Reaching, oh reaching so very far! I'm pretty good used to calling the glass half full, but one sixteenth full is going to be more of a challenge.
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| january 23 |
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| january 24 |
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| january 25 |
Quite a time last night, freezing but lots of people came out, some friends and students but a decent number of new arrivals, a good omen. Feedback on the writing was very positive, a few book requests. Wish I saw that large project more clearly but maybe it's just a matter of continuing these smaller ones. Talked and talked and talked and talked, the usual gamut of meaningful to absurd, nothing too extreme on either end, felt dazed and numb when the room was finally empty. I get a little confused in these situations between the teacher role and the social role, think I strayed a few times into too much information, but not badly. The opening protocol is so bizarre. At least in Vermont they look at the paintings. Sold a few little ones, odd choices to me but it's always unknowable.
Worked on the peony below again today, it did just what I thought it would overnight, the kind of thing I get a kick out of. Am trying here to work with a color that's very difficult for me but which it seems necessary to come to terms with in a more functional way. Abstractly, this is cold blue. Phthalo might be possible eventually, cut with enough putty, but for now I've settled on a cobalt that is pretty much like manganese blue but not quite as intense and maybe less green. This is giving a nice sparkle in places, more zip than using black for the blue. I want to learn this, but also feel this is right for the client, that if this image becomes too moody it may bounce back. Had the whole three ring circus of whites going today, am getting a slightly lower but more expressive impasto in this one. Like the longer layer approach very much, learning more about it. Adding a little sun oil progressively, gives both more fusion and control, a nice ability to do it over if the stroke didn't have the right feel. This, of course, makes for more confidence over time.
Worked on a few more images but without a lot of oomph, not beat but distracted, spent a lot of time today quietly wondering where all this leads. The economy, the great embarrassment of the living painter, what next if nobody gets it ever: today seemed to be my day to visit all those Eeyore-ish places. But came to the usual conclusion: that I like the work, want to find out more, am so close, will never know how the story might have ended if I bail and start the organic pizzeria. Think that's the fundamental strength: that this is the story I like better. An improbable, but not impossible dream.
The gallery called later in the afternoon and asked if I had any more of a certain type of painting: they'd sold the one that someone wanted. I said no, that was it, then asked if there had been some sales. Was told yes, a number that sort of floored me. Had to ask if they were all small and was told, no, mostly large. We ended up going through it painting by painting. It's always interesting to understand the pattern, see if I guessed right about how to position things. Felt it would be impossible to do as well this time as last time, a few years ago. But they've sold half the amount of work and have exceeded the former total. So, an unusual surprise. Good to feel this show wasn't quite as foolish as I sometimes thought from the practical perspective. Still a long way to go before truth and beauty reign eternally, but grateful for some vindication, the psychic wherewithal to keep going.
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| january 26 |
Did a few layers today, they came out okay but felt a bit dazed. Just plugging, looking for bearings on a next phase. Went to the show to see exactly what had sold: a little different than what I thought over the phone, another red dot, still many things there that might go. Will be interesting to see what the next month brings: could be a quiet trickle, could be nothing. None of the colorshapes have sold, this work was a great favorite with several people at the show, but, not buyers: a familiar story around here. Given how special they are to me, how rare a species, will be happy to have them back if it comes to that.
Did some work putting together miscellaneous writing on painting into a longer document for general consumption. Was hoping for something that would fall into place naturally and cleanly, but there are too many different styles and attitudes involved, deeper editing is required. This will take time, but give it more unity. Need to work on a Formulas document too for upcoming classes, disentangle the references from the internet. Might be a better form in the end, don't think many people can handle a document this long online.
Still emerging from the trough after the effort, waiting for things to calm down inside again. The work itself is pretty meditative at this point, all the elements of the process bowing respectfully to one another, interacting with the quiet dignity of the monastery. Selling the work, however, is the opposite: a blood sport. It makes sense that it would be too easy to just make the work; it has to be made for a context that just isn't that sympathetic. This establishes the requisite creative tension, makes the wheels go around. But, even at this minor level, can really feel the danger -- now, in my blood -- of the work becoming tangled up in the allure of the game. This allure is, of course, the subject of a great deal of work done since the 60's. But I find it all more sad than clever: painting is capable of so much more than the hi-lo culture hall of mirrors. So, some unexpected work to do with the spontaneously addictive drug of name and fame.
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| january 27 |
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| january 28 |
Well, spoke too soon about the waning moon, wandered around in a daze all day. Have been pretty disciplined about these layers, might need some sort of detour for a bit. Okay to stop, hasn't really happened in a while, made soup and rice, wise to be ahead in the prepared whole food department. Lots of ideas circling around up there, we'll see who wants to land. One of the things about a show is that the work gets excavated, the strata disturbed, who knows what may come to light? Have been eying one of my favorite small colorscape paintings from 06: pictured here, kind of a blend of the pastoral and Lego motifs in a muted Japanese miniature golf palette. It would be fun to take this work out again using this as a point of departure, but we'll see, things might be more disturbed than that.
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| january 30 |
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| january 31 |
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| february 1 |
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| groundhog day |
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| february 3 |
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| february 4 |
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| february 6 |
Snow, small flakes, about six inches in the end, lovely day unless you had to be on the road. Even slower in here, yikes, an impenetrable fog of waning moon enveloped the mental terrain. Bounced around a bit with no real energy, ideas but no oomph behind them. Very typical of this day, of the last quarter in general, but you just never know when it will arrive. So, ultimately decided to begin a new set of panels. Always plenty of resistance to this grunt work but fun once I get going. Last year did some panels with cotton canvas as an experiment. Think they would be just as archival given how sealed the fabric is from the atmosphere but didn't like the surface working small. Working big, it's okay. Small, I even like a panel covered with Tiepolo better. So, started out with linen, got about halfway through the first phase.
Seven come eleven, decided to refine another 5 liters of linseed oil, that came today. I've known my UPS guy since the days of the chocolate company, a nice guy and a total brick. Knew he would have had a long day, so went out and commiserated, goes far, part of my ongoing program to initiate more when possible. Ordered some of the Allback boiled linseed oil this time as well, this is refined, my guess on bleaching clay, but still quite thin. Looks very good for my purposes, perhaps yours as well! Will see how much it yellows after drying, this takes about a month or two to set in. New moon around midnight, impossible to predict, always different in its newness. Looking forward to the next cosmic shipment of direction. Know it's not everything, but, the way the craft is now, I like to work.
Review of the show in the current Seven Days, online here.
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| february 7 |
More snow, over a foot now, still and quiet day of continuing flurries. Photo is from my road looking west across the lake, usually you can see the Adirondacks. That tree has great contrapposto, doesn't it?
Plugged away on the panels, have the gesso made, will get them done later tonight when the size coat dries. Worked more on the talk, have a plan, have an outline even. Wrote some of it out, but that's tricky because of the tendency to just go by what's been written. Much better to take the text from the audience, it appears in space just above their heads. That is, if the audience is included energetically, they seem to help me know what to say. With the work, not sure what happens next, it might be taking a small vacation so I can concentrate on the talk. A lot needs to be adequately explained, big words need to be assiduously avoided. Like that one, see? Learned a lot from what wanted to go on paper today, was surprised by the simplicity and urgency, this might prove a prototype talk for a more general class on the research into materials.
Keep having dreams about the city, number three last night in the last week or two. They're getting less scary, more matter of fact, after all, have lived in a few. In a way it would make sense to go back, Vermont's enthusiasm for a painter like me -- in Vermont, but not of Vermont -- is necessarily limited, my appetite for the well-trodden path -- commercial rut -- of the Vermont artist is non-existent. It seems like an incredible challenge, but really, just new, not any harder than remaining where I am. Don't want to go, but you'd think after twenty-six years one might be a little more entrenched. Trying here to move beyond my prejudices, recording this for future reference: cosmic foreshadowing, or nocturnal red herring?
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| february 8 |
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| february 9 |
Still pooped. Did some work this morning, not too inspired I'm afraid. Tried to get into gallery talk mode, but it didn't want to happen. Okay, at this point, whatever. Went to the gallery and talked to a small but very nice group for about an hour, it was simple. Focussed on my involvement with amber and how the National Gallery Technical Bulletins led me to try the putty system. The way our pre-conceptions become hardened, need to be examined. The way the work with various styles has led to cross-fertilization. Answered lots of questions about the putty system. Glad I abandoned an even remotely formal approach, would have been silly. But I still like that great quote from Burton's "Anatomy of Melancholy", from 1620. I practiced it all week, finally got the complex punctuation right. It seems somehow to encapsulate everything perfectly, so hold on tight, here goes. Ahem:
"I hear new news every day, and those ordinary rumours of war, plagues, fires, innundations, thefts, murders, massacres, meteors, comets, spectrums, prodigies,, apparitions, of towns taken, cities besieged in France, Germany, Turkey, Persia, Poland, etc, daily musters and preparations, and such-like, which these tempestuous times afford, battles fought, so many men slain, monomachies, shipwrecks, piracies, and sea-fights, peace, leagues, strategems, and fresh alarums. A vast confusion of vows, wishes, actions, edicts,petitions, lawsuits, pleas, laws, proclamations, complaints, grievances, are daily brought to our ears. New books every day, pamphlets, currantoes, stories, whole catalogues, of volumes of all sorts, new paradoxes, opinions, schisms, heresies, controversies in philosophy, religion, etc. Now come tidings of weddings, maskings, mummeries, entertainments, jubilees, embassies, tilts and tournaments, trophies, triumphs, revels, sports, plays: then again, as in a new shifted scene, treasons, cheating, tricks, robberies, enormous villainies of all kinds, funerals, burials, deaths of princes, new discoveries, expeditions; now comical, then tragical matters. Today we hear of new lords and officers created, to-morrow of some great men deposed, and then again of fresh honors conferred; one is let loose, another imprisoned; one purchaseth, another breaketh; he thrives, his neighbor turns bankrupt; now plenty, then again dearth and famine; one runs, another rides, laughs, weeps, etc. Thus I daily hear, and such-like, both private and public news; amidst the gallantry and misery of the world -- jollity, pride, perplexities and cars, simplicity and villainy; subtlety, knavery, candour and integrity, mutually mixed and offering themselves -- I rub on in singular privacy; as I have still lived, so I now continue, left to a solitary life and mine own domestic discontents: saving that sometimes, to tell the truth, as Diogenes went into the city and Democritus to the haven to see fashions, I did for my recreation now and then walk abroad, look into the world, and could not choose but make some little observation, not as a scholar but as a simple narrator, not as they did, to laugh or scoff at all, but with a mixed passion."
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| february 10 |
The perpetual snow machine continues. Went out in flurries this morning and visited a very interesting multi-media artist from the Cape, staying nearby with a friend. We have the peripatetic process in common, and a need to be a little on the outskirts of the art world, so it was fun to have tea while it snowed, look over their work and compare notes. Pretty civilized, the type of thing I need to do more often. Did a little work later but just not that interested, funny: it's winter vacation time, have to go slow. Want to get a last layer on the peony going to California, that's up next, should benefit tremendously from the more recent peony study experiments. Really, there is a method to this madness. But do not want to get into this only to crump out, need to wait for the arrival of some decent oomph. Frustrating, but one cannot work all the time, and as I look back at last winter, it was far more fallow than this. We're getting some sun this week, that should help.
Have been putting up long overdue changes to the process page, several more recent examples up now, including several different underpainting approaches and a series about correcting an errant layer via sanding it back.
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| february 11 |
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| february 12 |
Gimpy today, not terrible but couldn't really function. Trying to just relax, kind of hard. Fiddled a little in the studio to see what the surface of yesterday's painting felt like, but had to leave, obviously not the place to be. Began to get Thursday's class together, materials and text handout. Article due this week-end on the classes in the Burlington newspaper, will be interesting to see how that interview comes out in text form: have never been asked what inspires me before. This show is turning into a long fifteen minutes for up here, a little nerve-wracking somehow. But if it means more sales at some point that's fine. Supposed to get a decent amount of snow tonight. This winter has really reminded me of the way winter is depicted in A Winter's Tale, by Mark Helprin, sort of a magical hallucination.
The new moon has almost always brought new ideas. Several days into this one, I'm just beginning to see what it's up to. Hard to say quite what will land or when, but always good to feel things sprouting a bit in the background.
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| february 14 |
Have had to take a break because of the back situation, a course requirement, as it were. Always a little embarrassing not to have been able to pay attention to the now obvious signs, as well as, of course, painful. But good to stop, reflect, allow the well to begin to fill up again. Will return soon for more fun and frolic.
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| february 15 |
Not so much pain today but still more or less beat. Amazing how interesting everyday things like shopping or cooking become when you've had a few enforced days off. Hard to be this close to establishing the work on the next level and have to stop. But it makes sense to back up, calm down, come in again with more equanimity. Am beginning to see a little bit again: realize I wasn't even seeing for real, too tired, just grinding things out. Overwork is counterproductive, but that's harder to remember in the winter, easy to feel work is all I have. Also, I think the opportunity of the show created a deep tension to capitalize, more than I realized. Am trying to establish something else as a buffer zone, something more cosmic. I used to be fairly cosmic. Of course, that was easy during the last decade. Need to get the long view back, tortoitude. Much more important to growing further than quickly trotting out work featuring the latest development.
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| february 17 |
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| february 18 |
Yikes, warm, very near to flooding in lots of places. Sunny, did errands after tweaking around with painting below, it dried very down, result of using a white with chalk I think. It's okay, but not great, sort of a transition to somewhere as yet undecided. Working now on a text for this putty workshop coming up, trying to get the story of the medium into a few cogent pages, hard but interesting. Doing research, a definite passion, need to be in the mood on the internet though, lots of dead ends and JSTOR articles I can't get at. Anyway, in the course of tracking down more on mediums, found something on the Vermeer medium from the Washington National Gallery-- linseed oil and protein, do they mean egg? Egg white? Hide glue? Also, Van Eyck, nothing but linseed oil. All interesting: this is not of course the linseed oil you buy at the art supply store.
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| february 19 |
Odd day, tried to work hard on finishing the putty workshop text yesterday, felt like I was onto something in the way of a simple explanation of a complex situation historically. But alas, *drifted* back into caffeine in the process. This is obviously not okay with somebody as my back reacted quickly, a compliment I guess but sobering: no tea even? So, still more virtue will be reluctantly applied. Fixed the putty text today, it is onlinehere .
Painting seems to have taken one of its intermittent vacations, no oomph there. This is surprisingly okay, even logical, as there are many other things going on. In looking over the studio today, everything actually seemed very bad. Admittedly, all the finished work is elsewhere. But, not through a glass darkly, I'm just worthless type of bad. More like the scales have finally fallen from my eyes type of bad. Which is good. Growth, any how, any way. So, actually might know what to do next, shocking development. But you never know with this kind of rambunctious process, like having a pet rhinoceros. So, still looking for more balance, a way to stay focused but keep more balls in the air as well.
One question that has come out of the putty text is the origin of the dammar-stand oil medium combo so extolled by Ralph Mayer. Neither of these items, of course, figure in 17th Century painting practice, and there's no recorded analogue for this that I've been able to find in older practice: oil is oil, varnish is varnish. Dammar seems to have arrived on the medium scene via Germany in the early 19th Century, and appears pretty late in the W&N catalogues: I'm remembering this from Leslie Carlyle. Somehow, I'll bet Max Doerner is at the bottom of this, he thought dammar was the lost secret, will have to excavate my copy of his tremendously self-confident book.
It's always interesting how life seems to proceed in discreet compartments, sort of like acts in a multi-dimensional play. Some acts we want to prolong, but can't. Others have gone on forever already and show no sign of abating. In this manner, some small but significant shifts in the world lately: the Australian apology, the rise of Barack Obama, GM offering to buy out it's workforce, the resignation now of Castro. Can only hope these are the precursors to a more general shift that will be occurring over the course of the coming year, freely admit to being highly in favor of a new version of consensus reality. Everybody knows there's more, and that it has to come, so let's get going, huh? It will be interesting, though, to watch this more move the currently entrenched less along.
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| february 20 |
Another odd day, full moon, at times quite antsy, almost jittery, and we know it can't be the caffeine. Set up the class for tomorrow: one thing I'm finding out about these workshops is that I do a lot of work. But it's okay, became organized, am excited to make an initial presentation, will be very hands-on. Made a couple small putty tests following up on the protein question, one emulsifying some rabbit skin glue into the chalk-oil mix, the other emulsifying glair, an egg white beaten until it flows. Decided to use a combination of linseed oils for these tests, go Dutch. Might have added too much glue to the glue test, the glair putty has more bounce and flow, will at least return to that idea for a further test.
Have been doing a lot of research lately on the internet. Am always surprised at the amount of utter junk that's written about painting, and with an air of authority that leaves one truly breathless. I mean, the Van Eycks did not invent oil painting, okay? Can we just get this straight? They may well have figured out a different way of working with the oil, a different medium, but invent? No one in a position to write anything anywhere should be so in a hurry not to explain this better. It's just common courtesy. Is it the author's native unwillingness to have anything be even remotely complex, or does the author in these cases feel that the reader has that unwillingness? Such a puzzle. The truth is always complex. Then there's the stupid Wikipedia article which borrows shamelessly and erroneously from Maroger's highly dubious logical series of historical medium developments without even naming his book in the notes. What do you call the conceptual plagiarizing a text which is false to begin with? Merely human? What is it with writers thinking the truth is like -- forgive me -- putty in their hands? The truth is the truth! So just tell it for heaven's sake before all these mealy-mouthed over-confident pseudo-literary lukewarm miserable excuses for prose disturb my precarious inner balance! Happy full moon.
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| february 21 |
First class today in the new workshop series I'm hoping will develop a new method of teaching. Interesting to be back in a room in which I've spent a lot of teaching time, it has a surprising number of items in it that were originally mine: everything from a stack of issues of American Art Review to some Color-Aid paper to a toaster oven. Had a small but genuinely interested group, no one flirting with the golf pro, always a plus. Made a few decent errors, one conceptual, one tactical, but the fundamental power of the system prevailed and I felt the students came away with a sense of renewed vigor. The conceptual error was in trying to wend my way through centuries of medium development in a verbal introduction. Always a conundrum whether to speak within one's sense of the material or try to extend it through chancing the next step live. I've seen that risk work well in the past with different subject matter but it worked less well today. Ultimately, it might be possible to do this is in about ten pages of truly adamantine prose, but for classes in the future I'll stick to, "Everybody always thought it had to be resin, but surprise it turns out it doesn't and isn't." And answer any further questions from there. Too much branching, too many contradictions and overwhelming temptations to wander off into beloved minutiae. At least I didn't try to define the difference between a 15th, 16th, and 17th Century recipe. The second mistake was in not bringing enough material for everyone to adequately have a hands-on individual exploration period with the materials, only had one palette with me, a slab of marble. That worked out okay, I answered questions as the palette was passed around, but next time will set it up more in terms of the students each being able to fiddle around with a personal set-up of materials. They were, I think, sore amazed at the simplicity, flexibility and extensibility of the system, one of them even tried something I now want to try in terms of the way the opening layer is set up. Another aspect of the system that came in for increased emphasis was the method of painting in uncut color and allowing the more "correct" tones to make themselves as the layers build, allowing for more inherent brilliance, small accidents of uncut color. They were also all very aware of the way in which the putty allows the color to breathe, essentially creating another, brighter world of values for each pigment. The lack of solvent came in for general kudos as well. So, some room for improvement on my part, but the system more than held its own. Which, of course, we knew it would!
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| february 22 |
More snow. Tired today, nagging back pain, drat. Underestimated how much energy a class that was driven by information given by me would consume, think it's best to change the format so that there's more hands-on stuff in the future, better for everybody. Made a test tube of a putty containing glair, exciting texture, will get to see how that works out soon I hope. Made an order with Robert Doak, we had a decent talk, I like to get him going on local current events. He's happy about being mentioned in The New Yorker article by John Currin, says it has been very good for business, spoke highly of that relationship. He told me about the artists who won't talk to him, some big names here, he just takes an order from the secretary. Or those who try to buy just what they can only get from him, not support him in general. He told me of a request by a very large name that he refused as too minuscule and demeaning. Mua-ha-ha! I always find these glimpses of city life fascinating in a ghoulish sort of way: whatever one can say about Vermont -- all those "latte-swilling, Prius-driving, trust fund babies" -- it doesn't have that calculated, vicious classism that one often encounters/hears about in Manhattan.
For someone decaffeinated have been pretty antsy, am trying to calm down and finally get rid of this back issue. Have a lot more work to do on preparing these workshops than I thought, definite resistance there, an essentially pro bono situation, but at least understand how the format needs to be altered. The other part is a combination of winter and the looming practical fear that this way of teaching may also prove untenable. Do all roads point to leaving Vermont, or only ones having to do with painting?
Have been doing more research for these classes: Kremer New York selling to Sinopia has really changed things in traditional materials land, and not for the better. Stuff from Kremer can still be ordered from Germany, but the order needs to be pretty large. Not sure of anywhere at all to get Olio d'Abezzo anymore, yikes. I ordered some Canada Balsam from Robert for the workshops but have had issues with it drying in the past. It may be the only game in town now. Another practical reason why I think the all-oil method was developed long ago: inevitable interruptions in the supply line could be taken in stride, no arcane or imported materials were crucial.
Have had some horizontal time, trying to read Max Doerner's book on materials and techniques first published in 1921. There's some interesting stuff in it but where he got some of his opinions is beyond me. I mean, he writes like a reasonable and highly intelligent person, makes some cogent comments on technique, but when it comes to the materials themselves it becomes the twilight zone. I'm trying to understand if he knew things I need to know or was just wrong, probably some complex combination of both. Still an incredible amount of guesswork in the analysis of older paintings at that point, no mention in any 20th Century painting professor book I've ever read of the simple chalk-oil system that has been confirmed by so much analysis.
But what's really up here seems to be a deeper form of detox than just lighter diet and no caffeine. I think this is a perennial issue for anybody who makes a conscious decision not to be the hammer: there are times when the only choice -- at least temporarily, in a particular moment -- is to be the nail. You take the hit, and don't respond in kind. The early training by the Friends has made me pretty okay with taking the hit when it happens, I understand it philosophically, the chain reaction needs to be broken by someone or it just goes on forever. But what seems to happen is that the hit festers at some level inside, and I remain intermittently interested in getting my own back on the perpetrator. It's true caffeine exacerbates this, so that's a step there. And I know from experience that there's a time limit on any of this stuff: time does heal all wounds. But I'd like to figure out a way to escalate this operation a little, help the radioactivity decay into something harmless more quickly: it's holding me back, I'm better than this broken record, want to move up more permanently to my own higher ground. One thing I think might help this is to learn how to issue the effective warning. A good mother will do this with her kids: I love you but you are near the boundary, if you go over the boundary there have to be consequences. I've learned to create consequences -- yes -- but want to learn how to nip things in the bud more: take on less of someone else's toxicity before speaking up. It's a pain, I try to be co-operative, love to be co-operative, but that's a two-way street and one thing about the creative identity: it's going to push some buttons. At the same time, this particular set of people is essentially gone, and the people who are in and coming into my life now are somehow of the gentler and kinder variety. Still, more work to do with the past there, feel this is what is holding up the work at the easel.
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| february 23 |
Felt better, still a little strange energy-wise, off and on. Decided just to work on the two small peony studies, ground the lower one back with 400 grit first. Being decaffeinated has offered few advantages so far beyond potentially allowing me to function normally again someday, but it sure makes it easier to go slowly with these. Not great work today, but decent, the new putty proved different but co-operative, see below. The small painting is a gift, will try to clean it up one more time tomorrow. The larger one has a long way to go but I'm interested in what might happen. Great to be working again, feel grateful for the privilege to do. I obviously shouldn't take it quite so much for granted.
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| february 24 |
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| february 25 |
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| february 26 |
More snow, quiet day. Did more than planned on yesterday's landscape, it was just right in terms of tightness so it was hard to resist. Will look at it tomorrow but feels about done for this type of more energy oriented style. Put the image below for comparison with day one. Became enthused about a small still life from life but after getting it to a certain point systematically erased every object, one by one. Oops, just need to work bigger, more lively right now. Comical, felt that if I couldn't get it somehow in one pass I should just let it go. Began another landscape in the afternoon, same scale, Farr Cross. Have been thinking about a series like this of Farr Cross, tremendous backlog of images to work from, a decade now. The place that encapsulates how I feel about the land here, the giant hardscrabble wabi sabi garden of Addison County. Don't know, but like developing this approach: sort of where I left off with the landscape work before the show intervened, my older version of the Corot outdoor style with a little Constable and Luminism sprinkled in. If they could be done in a single layer over a few days that would give them a good balance of freshness and detail.
Class on Thursday, and another one Saturday at Frog Hollow. Class on Thursday has eight people, yikes. Not quite sure how to do this yet but will concoct a way to make it all much more hands on. Am leaning towards making a few colors of paint and then using them to do studies with the various mediums. With luck my box from Doak with extra ingredients will come in time -- he's very busy now cause of the Currin article, had to rub it in -- but if not there will still be plenty of resins to work with: amber, copal, sandarac, will also make some Roberson's medium for them. Don't think Roberson's is that great long term, but it's better than the simple Maroger gel. And it seems experience with these things is better than just not knowing: or worse, having them forbidden by some Puritanical authority. So, may make a pitch about the putty in this class as well, since to me it's potentially the best way.
Got a check from the Art Center yesterday for some of the paintings that had sold, also got my Visa bill, it's clear that I could buy materials endlessly and that it has to be reined in somehow. This led me to success, what it means, I think via thinking about how can I sell more so I can keep buying more. Sometimes this isn't an issue. It's rarely an issue, say, with clothing. But Kremer going out and Doak getting older and the dollar in the sub-basement and the remark by Doerner that linseed oil is best when it's a year or two old, have all made me think in terms of a greater stockpile not a smaller one. But it's really moot because what is most fun isn't buying but using what I have. Just think it's interesting to find myself subject to a personal version of consumer-itis. But I want to get back to success, and how it might be defined in a more enlightened way. I got to thinking, well, what would really feel like success, what would make me just incredibly happy?
A lot of us -- certainly everyone I'm friends with -- are weary of being held at this particular level in consensus culture. It feels like we've been stuck in a backwards loop now for a long time, watching the Bush Administration try to enforce a primitive, paranoid version of America from the past. To me this never had a prayer of "working" because it was all so obviously manufactured. But I've been really surprised at how long it's gone on: usually, even in government, people who engage in breaking the law over and over and over again get caught and tried. Recently, there have been some things going on that feel like a larger sea change is starting, and it does seem reasonable to think that by next year at this time, a new dispensation will have begun. There will be lots of time spent filling the hole this administration has gleefully dug, both here and abroad, but I think we are generally willing to do that work. And it feels like beginning this will amount to that larger success for me, much more than anything associated with the work. There was such a seed planted in the Sixties for people of my generation, a seed that America could in fact stand for something real, stop having an evil underbelly to foreign policy, that we could genuinely begin to move towards liberty and justice for all. For me it just never died, although I do feel that the answer is spiritual, no political. When you look at Bushes' approval rating -- about 20% currently -- you see how many people are also just trying to wait this period out, how much energy is on hold. This country has so much potential to move forward into a bright green future, there's so much positivity to be released by the removal of the enforcement of outmoded ideas and technology. We are capable of so much more, and we know it. At this point, we have to be, because what we're currently doing is that unsustainable. Recently, there's been a kind of dawn, things don't seem nearly as dark as six months or a year ago. More patience will have to be applied for a while, but it seems inevitable that the people who grew up believing in a better America are going to get a chance to make that dream come true. It won't be perfect, it will take a long time, but to me it feels like what I really came here for is finally about to begin.
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| february 27 |
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| february 28 |
Taught in the morning, did better this time. Still a few bugs in the system, a little much to cover in one class given the many different levels of experience you get in the community. Good questions, much student assistance and patience. Got in a couple good ones about working with opposites in the process, this seems to be generally appreciated once I say it right. So, improvement, but long to teach and long to clean up. Better than last time but zowie this takes it out of me. A strange kind of weary: if I had a copy of "Gidget Goes Hawaiian", I'd watch it gladly.
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| february 29 |
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| march 1 |
Took the panels and egg mediums caravan down to Frog Hollow in Middlebury this afternoon. Enthusiastic group, this class somehow had a good flow to the information, that's the hard part for me to organize here, what I'm learning through this. Gave them a putty medium demonstration too, this went over well. Not enough real recovery time from the last class, could function physically, but felt a kind of mental exhaustion at times, had to ask the students to help me find items I had brought and knew were there. But I do know the material even if I'm not quite able to multi-task seamlessly at the current level, was able to answer their questions. So, have given each of the workshop classes once, seem to be getting better at it slowly, the worst should be over with these in terms of learning a new way of teaching. Am developing a way of talking about this which is non-technical, stresses the inherent logic and efficiency necessary for the craftsperson of old, that seems to help. A zombie now, four and a half hours door to door, but getting used to this aspect of it too. It passes.
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| march 4 |
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| march 5 |
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| march 6 |
Taught this morning, the panels and egg mediums class. This one probably should be two classes, a lot for me to schlep around on the ice, a lot to cover in class, the usual feeling afterwards of having been run over by a herd of buffalo. But it worked out well in terms of the group's response, we are getting better at stopping, reviewing, getting it straight from their perspective. They're getting a better idea of what I'm talking about here, seeing what the materials are capable of doing, what I'm enthused about. Someone, the class chorus, said, "This is a completely different way of painting!" to general agreement. So, we may put together one more class, featuring a look at the method Rembrandt's pupil Hoogstraten outlined in his book, where color is laid on the painting directly, with a minimum of mixing on the palette. Talked to them about the idea of the class in the putty medium using only black and white. They got the benefit of that too, unusual, a good sign, freedom from product and color addiction. So, am learning how to talk to students about this system in a way that works better for them. It's slow, but seeing the benefits of the way the paint operates helps them to ask me further, which propels it along. I think it's also crucial for me to have them working with something I like -- the putty, the egg mediums -- rather than the usual oobleck variations of commerce. Another great thing is that -- so far -- we've just been exploring, they haven't gotten involved in trying to make art in class. In one way I miss that but in another way it's a relief. I always got very involved in helping, and that became intense and relatively personal for a class of eight to ten people over a period of months and in some cases years. The current classes are intense in a different way, more about organizing and conveying large amounts of information. Some of it is nuts and bolts, some of it is theoretical or systemic, keeping these streams moving but separate is important. On and on: learning how to learn as well as teach while teaching.
Got nothing else done today beyond a resounding nap. But, in spite of four and a half hours door to door, avoided the usual sub-basement of post-class exhaustion. Have almost made it to the new moon, this one has been pretty severe, a moon about patience and craft. I often wonder if they have a pattern of meaning or unfolding in this way as well. So much to learn, the intertwined intricacies of mundane and cosmic pattern. Have you ever noticed how, the more evolved people get, the less they do, in the worldly sense of "do"? Even at my level -- mere delusional aspiration to the hem of enlightenment's garment -- there's a lot to ponder, activity that doesn't necessarily show on the surface. It does seem to show in terms of slowly learning to make less trouble for myself, diminishing the chain reaction effect of too much activity to little real end. They actually touched on this in class today, about being too busy. This is of course my deeper goal in teaching, to help people arrange to take the quality of their time into their own hands again. Perhaps this is too idealistic, but I do believe that if a certain critical mass of attentiveness can be achieved -- that is, people paying attention to life with their feelings instead of ignoring it through their brains -- we can begin to evolve very quickly indeed. I see this in small doses in a class like today, where they are learning to think and feel together, to move forward together. They like it, it feels naturally better than doing it alone, but it also expands their own individual sense of possibilities beyond the group's activity. The merest tip of the iceberg in terms of our capabilities, but more hopeful than remaining submerged.
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| march 7 |
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| march 8 |
Postponed class this morning, it looked like it might be okay for everyone to get there, but iffier going home in the late afternoon. This seems to have been a reasonable call as, after some mixed snow and rain, it began to rain ice at a decent clip, tiny hail like BBs. At dusk it was setting, sheets of ice on windows, some ice on the trees but not bad, still slushy on top of the snowcone style snow. Didn't get much sleep last night, woke up wondering about what today would bring and stayed that way. Sort of a zombie today, did some work on panels, always soothing, more of my complex cheap-but-quality scanning procedure, nothing much in the studio. Like what happened yesterday, though, it still looks good. This is a funny time, positive stuff happening with the work but slowly, slowly; no firm resolution or sense of breakthrough. Given how this winter has been, another full month of cold weather is possible here. Fell off the wagon, but am still trying to limit caffeine, hard but seems wise. Less easy to get enthused in the short run but am getting increasingly aware of the price in terms of a kind of internal cosmic rage that I just can't afford to indulge any longer: it doesn't change things, makes me miserable. So, weary of winter, weary of morons in high places, but both will be going on for the foreseeable future. Plenty to do in the present to keep my own end up, as usual that's the place to concentrate the effort.
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| ice |
We were right in the ice path of that long, strange storm that had rain to the south and snow to the north. Lights flickered a couple times but the power did stay on, whew. Things don't look too bad for damage around here but you never know, a little more elevation could have seen a lot more ice. Sunny and very cold today. Image is looking west from my road, towards the Adirondacks across the lake. Brrr. Curried split pea for dinner.
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| march 9 |
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| march 10 |
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| march 11 |
Worked on yesterday's image again, this method is now officially a good development. Added to the top and bottom, shifted it from warm towards cool, got more going on in the distant mist. Began to have some fun with the foreground snow. There's a ton of cool things that can be done here, just have a toehold. Put a photo below, not a good photo, but, this is the problem with anything I like. The right consistency of paint has finally been achieved here: it can be added to, on top, it can be moved from side to side, it can be removed wholesale if it gets too thick. Detailed with a fine or wide knife, brush tip, etc. So, that was exciting, a day with progress makes it all seem worth it.
A little more than a year ago I started working with this putty medium. The very first time I worked with it, I knew it was the answer: no heavenly chorus but close, an obvious bing. But it has taken all this time to get used to it, get the formula right, unlearn all the old rules, and just do what it wants to do.
Tried to chip my car out today. It was ensconced in about four inches of ice. Used my landlady's potting spade, worked well but couldn't get at the ice under the car. Finally began to use hot water and salt. It moves now, about half an inch forward or back. So, more effort needed but also perhaps a different technology. Not quite sure how I'm going to solve this, have tomorrow to get it on the road again for class on Thursday.
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| march 12 |
Had to take a day off and rest, back is iffy, energy depleted. Just did too much. Have to be more careful with caffeine and world news, two perennial sources of endless anxiety. Still, it was good to read about the new hydrogen fueled cars, a relief and a project that might go far towards uniting this fractious country. So, my tricky late winter balancing act goes awry. Need to get more genuine about establishing that quality perspective in a stable way, it's always going to be challenged and it's clear the consequences are simply going to become more instant. If I'm capable of it, it's my responsibility to learn to be it, especially now. How to stop pushing, though, and let myself be pulled. when there's always so much to do? Did get alternative wheels for tomorrow, my car is still a quiescently frozen vehicle. Did get the all important text handout polished and printed.
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| march 13 |
Back is okay, not great, no caffeine, trying to be good with that. Managed to execute everything today, seems like enough to ask at this point. Had an extra workshop by request at the Art Center, Direct Painting with the Putty Medium, put up the text handout in the techniques section under Putty Medium. I was organized up to a point, but think I need to get more organized in terms of how I plan this stuff to keep things more on track. Just knowing the material well isn't enough. It went fine but, having done today, would do it differently. Again, the issue of jumping in where it makes sense to me, but maybe not to them. Showed them the progression of the most recent landscape studies, they went over well, gave the system a little more practical clout. But really, to demo it correctly would take a few hours, from nothing to the movement phase, a problem under the circumstances and I don't really want to demo for two hours anyway. They did well with it for their first time: one student got a real Franz Hals sort of balance of loose and tight paint going, another made something with strong contrasting color layers and carved back into the undercolors, everyone saw that the slow beginning makes for -- potentially, at least -- a charismatic and painterly finish. So, the system works, I just need to keep developing how to present it. At the same time, it does require more in the way of touch than using something out of the bottle, so that's a factor too.
As the economy heads further and further into the sub-basement I'm a little bit conflicted. On the one hand, I've felt all along that this was a false economy on several fronts, and it's good to have that exposed, allows for things to begin to shake out and get more real. On the other hand, we're beginning to flirt with the sort of doom and gloom mindset here that only make it worse, and this bodes most ill for living painters in small states that are frugal in the best of times. So, I'm trying to look on the bright side but also not spend a dime. I'm also trying to figure out how I might continue to be in the public eye, a first for me, but the alternative is just falling off the table for another year or two. While there were many kudos from the show for the abstract work, none of it has sold, no surprise there, you could be Diebenkorn squared and not sell anything abstract in this state. But none of the brighter, more progressive realism has sold either. A pretty narrow band of work went: charismatic, well-executed, but both safe and a total bargain compared to something similar in a city. This, more than anything, is not a good omen. I had hoped, in this show, to make the year's rent, but it has fallen short by several months. So, I approach the quandary once again of how to both stay in Vermont and feel reasonably safe here economically in a year when things are bound to go from bad to worse. There are several dials that could be twiddled, and I'm aware that more effort is going to be needed than ever before, so there may be some big changes in the next few months. On the other hand, it all may fall my way in the extraordinary way it did in 2006. No way to know or tell. But I can't solve it the old way, by trying to work even harder, that has led to exhaustion over and over. It has to be about finding the place where it's natural to work, natural to prosper.
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| march 14 |
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| march 15 |
Did a little work this morning on the most recent landscapes, then taught in Middlebury. It went well even though I prepared for the wrong class. Oh boy. Had the original order mixed up, would have taught a different wrong class last week as well if it hadn't been postponed. But I had everything I needed for the right class with me so we just segued, embarrassing but funny. Small but good group, varied, lots of smart questions. Too much winter, I can't handle as many things on the fly. Still couldn't get my car out, but it was pretty warm today, may try in earnest again tomorrow. Really trying to stay away from all forms of caffeine, even green tea, but I seem to be missing my brain a little bit. Always the hardest time around here, the bitter end of this season. And compared to the last few years, this winter, while not all that frigid, has been very consistent. All will be forgotten the first day it's about 55 and sunny.
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| march 16 |
Worked on a couple paintings that are sold when they're done, mostly the white peony which I carved back a while ago, then a little one I thought was close before I got my new eyes. The white peony, boy, what an Armageddon of a painting. It's teaching me to operate beyond both frustration and effort, to just keep guessing, altering. Tried it today with a little bit of titanium white as well, went overboard with it of course and almost got into the dreaded Crisco zone, gak, but flailed madly and learned the proportion I can get away with in these, maybe about one part to ten of my regular white. For a very calm painting this thing has a lot of sound and fury behind it. Each time I work on every part, so all the other parts, the parts which weren't scraped back to the bone, are getting better while I try to actually get anything going with the lead flower. It came forward a little today, got the next increment. Am learning about alternating between working something with a big brush and a small brush: create detail, soften it. Ideally, I'd like to get these wet-in-wet with large brushes, but that will be the next series begun from scratch, with these older ones in progress don't feel that would be a good idea. Still, have learned a lot about how to go about bringing one of these forward, and there are, well, lots of them about half done down there. I've eclipsed what I thought was acceptable a year ago by a significant amount, so they're just not accurate enough even though there's some nice painting in some of them, some nice mood. This is okay. What that block with sandpaper is for.
Also visited my friend Daryl today who broke her leg skiing and is in pretty good shape all things considered, set up to do woodcuts in her living room. It's hard to get into the swing of working, going out, and working again, but for the time being, when winter's still hanging on like a burr, I think it's okay. Overcast, some snow, lots of that indigo middle distance stuff on the way to Huntington, but it didn't look paintable, it looked like winter. The best day is a real thaw when there's still some real snow, this produces some wonderful fog effects. Will be time to start going out again soon, can feel that building, saw a new way of starting in outside the other day. My car is still frozen, there's still about two inches of ice around the one wheel, it won't even spin. Getting a little gloomy, sort of emblematic of the general situation, I'll have to have a more serious crack at it soon, it's in the shade and it doesn't look like the cosmic wait and see method is going to do the trick.
One of the interesting things about this house is the paper wasps that show up occasionally in the winter. The first year they sort of unnerved me, they're pretty different: the exoskeleton, the machine-like precision, and I did get stung a couple times by not being aware enough of where they were. Last year I decided to try to make more conscious peace with them, to adopt a policy of mutual co-existence. I remember watching one sitting on the base of the reading light, cleaning it's feelers, and distinctly feeling that it was watching me just the same wary interest. This year I exported the first wave back outside, but there have still been several more. Once in December I was in a black mood about something and one of them buzzed me, landed right on my collarbone. Which eliminated that thought quickly. I've pondered that, wondering just how much they know, and what they know that I might like to know, or need to know. Recently, there's been a new one. Last night I was working on the site and it landed on the base of the light where it was warm, then started wandering around below the monitor. I decided it might be thirsty and put some water from a glass near it with my finger, and it came to that and had a drink. I did it again and it drank again. Now, this is a little thing, but something's going on here, something is sprouting. What I'm wondering is, if the way to understand life at a deeper level is to work to honor or respect its various 'live" aspects more. When someone is condescending to me, acts like I'm some brainless leftover from illustrationism, do they get any of the good stuff? No. Why bother? But when someone opens up a dialogue about the process, or is interested in the materials, down come the barriers and out comes the information. Now, I don't know how I, as the congenitally benighted white man, can possibly undo my inimical wiring and begin to get more in touch with the myriad inner aspects of the great heart-mind gestalt we call nature, but it feels in the last few years like something is shifting there in direct proportion to the way I perceive other species the way I'd like to be perceived: as worthy, equal, and an integral part of the whole. It would make sense for this to be both the unifying principle and the ultimate key to learning more about what's really going on.
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| march 17 |
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| march 20 |
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| march 21 |
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| march 23 |
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| march 24 |
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| march 25 |
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| march 26 |
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| march 27 |
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| march 28 |
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| march 29 |
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| march 30 |
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| april 1 |
Engulfed by errands yesterday. Warm today, maybe 60, all the piles of coarse snow were steaming in the yard. Made a heroic stab at cleaning up the front room of the house this morning, all morning. One of those situations where it's hard to know how to dislodge the logjam because there's no place to even put it temporarily. But, figured it out, threw some old stuff out, always therapeutic, then went and took down about a third of the show from the Shelburne Art Center, brought it home. They've been doing spring cleaning in their basement too and had unearthed a painting of mine from about 1994, which I know I had thrown out. But people used to go through that dumpster pretty regularly, and here it was, rescued and carefully saved for all this time, only to have me tell them to throw it out again. What a tangled web it all is, truly, at least it wasn't signed. Nice to have the work from the show begin to come back, I did sort of miss the evidence that I can finish things. Some new ideas beginning to germinate slowly, am beginning to see how I can re-do some images that went really wrong the first time. Less color, more paint seems to be the order of the day. But, last quarter of the moon, will probably just let it all percolate and continue on a week of finishing layers, clean-up and making materials. This Spring day was nice but a kind of an April Fools joke too. There were some incredibly treacherous slick wet ice patches to navigate around here. Got my car started, but one rear wheel is still held fast in the ice. Can't be long, though.
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| april 2 |
More general complexity but got a little bit done, exploring with the fumed silica gel, think it will be a good way to finish some of these too-small landscapes that became kind of muscle-bound using the chalk putty alone, it does the smaller scale effortlessly. Brought more work back from the art center, actually have made room for it all, good to have the frames back, now I can put new paintings in them if need be. Had a lesson in the afternoon, someone who has been pretty dedicated, gone through the sound and fury of realizing there's more to painting than meets the eye. It takes a while to grok how a student really wants to paint, what's really in them that wants to come out. I'm often offering a spectrum of suggestions to see what might happen next. But feel like I got some good wood today, might have offered something of value technically. All of this is leading to a new way of teaching people how to paint from the ground up in oil, might be interesting to explore that in the fall. The next round of classes at the art center is getting lots of enrollment, always nice, am looking forward to implementing what I learned from the last round of teaching this method. Have a client coming tomorrow, fear I'm going to lose that small onion-garlic study, easily the most energy I've ever put into a surface, feels kind of musical, like a raga, fusion of melody and beat. Want to get going on finishing the peony of perpetual pain again but it needs a decent unit of quality time, maybe on Friday through the weekend.
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| april 3 |
Sunny and warm, a little hard to believe, the visceral connection of faith and hope to warmth and light. Started to prepare some panels and paper with glue and gesso, got a small amount of work done in the studio, then became engulfed again in errands and appointments. Am beginning to see how a new landscape style might be emerging from all the stuff that happened last week. Guess that's kind of obvious, but sometimes it's all I can do to paint them, not much focus left for the big picture. New moon on Saturday, have a feeling a lot will want to happen in the week to come, could be fun.
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| april 4 |
Warm, wet snow, giant flakes. That yelp of joy you heard last night around six-thirty EST was me putting my car into reverse and having it back simply out onto the road. Although I'd love to live in a world without such vehicles it is a great relief in this one to have mine back. This morning retrieved the last of the work from the art center, continued on preparing canvas and paper and panels, mostly made panels, a few big ones. Days like this used to make me feel a little moody: trapped in forced rest, uncreative. But I've learned that if I just give in, they allow everything to settle or calm down, make a kind of receptive void in which new things can begin to germinate. I think this is what the craft has always provided, a place of rest, a balance to what otherwise can all too easily become that etoliated aestheticism that makes me feel like screaming. Getting a sense of what wants to happen next, of how to use the economic situation of the next year or two instead of being used by it. New moon tomorrow, will see what it's agenda is in the next few days.
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| april 5 |
Warm, sunny later. Most of the snow is now melted except my studio is still iced in. Mistimed the new moon, it's actually in a few hours. Found out because I started wondering why I felt like a bowl of overcooked linguine all day. Do other people get this, or is it just me? It's like somebody pulled the plug. Had nothing for painting, just slogged through some materials. Completed about a dozen small panels, a couple big ones, some canvas, am onto preparing Tiepolo. Made a new batch of linseed and chalk putty that I like after mistakenly using marble dust to make a batch that doubled in size before I fixed it. That tired, usually I know chalk from marble dust. A similar situation with the work, all ideas I try to get hold of just melt away like mirages in some bad old movie. Not depressing or anything, it happens, especially on these last few days of the moon. The bitter end, as Herbert says: "Night is the mother of all counsels." When the cherished hopes and dreams of a younger, more innocent moon are reduced to nothing but broken shards, faded tatters, empty husks, strangled echoes of their once stirring choir, trampled beneath the jack-boots of cruel and unjust time. But, anon, the scene shifts, the wheel turns, and the glad pulse quickens anew. Softly, fresh to the fray, springs the quivering shoot, sounds the hopeful horn, as Kronos with Artemis is ever reborn.
One of the things I think about a lot -- okay, too much -- is what painting really is. Why do some paintings have so much, some paintings so little? Why is it all so personal? Why, for example, can I forgive Corot his many excesses, but have little sympathy with Sargent even at his best? What is the deeper relationship between craft and truth? It seems to be a kind of caduceus, or double-helix, in which there are always two different poles in motion. This echoes the French proverb about the best being the enemy of the good -- Le mieux est l'ennemi du bien. The best, by virtue of being a kind of pinnacle, a monad, also creates a kind of stasis. Regardless of how perfect this stasis is it leads to a creative cul-de-sac. The dialectic has been short circuited in favor of an ideal. Movement ceases, repetition reigns. So, it seems important to have the work be woven from a warp and weft which create a deeper version of the simultaneous contrast of Impressionism: the palpable vibration of opposites in close association. Emerson says: "Every mind must make it's choice between truth and repose. It cannot have both." But this is too Aristotelian in the service of being compelling. In fact the mind can have both by choosing not to choose. A great quote in this context is Pascal: "No wine, no truth. Too much wine, the same." Somehow, between the untruth of charisma for it's own sake and the untruth of depiction for it's own sake there must be living painting. But this requires something else. Emerson again: "If you would lift me up, you must be on higher ground."
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New moon, another warm and sunny day. Had lots of energy back this morning, started in on another small peony study on panel with the idea of developing the silica gel method further. Learned a lot, but, no matter what I did it wasn't right. Decided in desperation to try shifting into something more Morandi-esque through removal, found a really interesting attenuated place with the limited earth color palette but couldn't nail it down, wrong medium for this angle. Could have gone on but began to feel like it was just not the day and erased it. Humbling. But, the nice thing about this latest gesso evolution is that it's not absorbent and the paint will all just come off. Frustrating, did some obligatory verbal self-flagellation, but so very typical of the new moon -- nothing is new enough -- had to laugh too. Reminded me of Berthe Morisot's mother reporting to her on Manet's progress on a portrait of an attractive young woman: "Mademoiselle Gonzalez is rubbed out again."
Went out in the afternoon to a trail around here I'd never been to with friends, saw a creek in spate from a small bridge overhead just pummeling through a small chasm, an amazing twisted riot of white water, really exhilarating to be near. After three warm days in a row the snow is pretty much gone from everywhere but the woods, saw lots of evidence of some very ambitious beavers at work, stands of prehistoric horsetail through the snow, just good to be out, let it all go.
Not sure where this week will lead the work, thought it would be towards the more spontaneous but now it feels not. Don't really like what I see in the studio, but don't yet have a sense of how to solve it. A familiar conundrum at this point, the result of years of working towards more systemic growth rather than repetitive formal perfection. These lulls used to drive me nuts, but now I'm more used to it. Couldn't say I love it, but the element of itchiness or discomfort always leads to re-tooling and the next step. All typical of the new moon, and of this time of year. So, looking for some higher ground from which to lift myself up.
The more formal issue has to do with finding a way to keep both elements of craft and truth evolving. With the craft I'm very involved in figuring out a way of painting form without formal edges: looking for living edges without the usual tricks. When this happens drawing and painting have fused, they are no longer horse and rider. Some good stuff has happened here in the last few years, even more in the last few months, but it hasn't yet coalesced into a clear new path of more painterly realism. Which is okay, doesn't seem like a real style can be rushed here, has to evolve organically through many twists and turns.
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| april 7 |
More clear skies and sun, usually it snows once later in April but maybe not this year. Another day when work was out of the question, unexpected but clearly necessary at some level that's beyond me. As they so often are! Although I've been crabby about the quality of what I have left in the studio, this longer type of hiatus makes me appreciate being able to work at all once again. Had many errands to do, saw lots of turkeys in the fields, the hens keeping a safe distance from Mr. Big. Turkeys always remind me of Benjamin Franklin, who wanted the turkey to be the national bird. This always remind me of my favorite Poor Richard quote, "Force shites upon Reason's back." About which nothing more need be said. Continued to prepare paper and panels in the afternoon, with no choice besides laundry, I'm getting into it. Feel the always dangerous, always necessary need to dig deeper, not sure how this will manifest but have a fundamental impatience with the ideas behind the paintings themselves. Just want more. Quick, more skill. Quick, more wisdom. Quick, more insight into what will sell tomorrow. Need to be patient until the next installment of relevance arrives, the rest will take care of itself. Have had a few complex new moons like this in the last year, they've always led forward eventually. With more respect for the Huntress, of course.
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| april 8 |
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| april 9 |
Overcast, feels like rain on the way. Decent day of layers on the worst offenders in the too small landscape department, images I've been working on for years. In a way it's absurd, but what is gained by giving up? Why not try to keep figuring it out, become more flexible? But, character-building element aside, not sure if this is a good way to spend time, correcting really old errors. Still, can't help but keep hoping there's a way to salvage this set of work, to get the sense of the day and it's relevant detail without resorting to the smallest brush type of detail. Some of these seem like candidates for pieces in the larger scale, another incentive to get them across the finish line. A little strange, I'd really like to be starting the larger project but felt somehow more had to be accomplished with the existing work, not to mention the fact that Mr. Confidence went out and got frames for them all. Used a new idea on these, a couch made from the usual sun-spike mix plus a small amount of the fumed silica gel. This worked well, the gel adds the element of swoosh, suggests more motion, and gave the opportunity to really alter them. Finished? You know, finished is really an over-rated condition for a painting, very static and middle-brow. But this medium development may help me to get further with that peony.
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| april 10 |
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| april 11 |
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| april 12 |
Rain last night, some lightening and ominously long thunder. Sun in the morning, now cold and overcast: this is real spring around here. Had a good class on panels and panel friendly egg emulsion mediums, made an effort to organize the material more and set a slower pace. A combination which seemed to help former issues significantly. But in a certain way this is all too much for the majority of my students, who may well be game but just don't have the time to spend on the craft even after it has been delivered on as close to a silver platter as it can be. This is frustrating for me, after all it has taken many years to figure all this out and, ironically enough, I'd like it to be used, to be relevant. But, short of becoming a teacher where the craft of painting is taken seriously as a study for its own sake -- and that would be, where? -- don't really know how to change this very 21st Century situation. As a result, am trying to think up more in terms of skillful means, a way to get the message across about the quality of life being inextricably linked to the quality of time, the quality of time being inextricably linked to a practice which creates a deepening of the fundamental ability to pay attention. Not exactly new, Perennialism 101. But this feels like the true end and real business of living to me, much more than the somewhat unctuous, somewhat odious cult of the object itself. (I mean, I like the object, obviously, but I have to let it go, over and over, and have been doing so for long enough to know that there will be a more perfect object to replace the one that just left). But with painting, don't know how much more it can be simplified and still function as itself: the whole point has always been commitment. This of course requires much more than the usual educated but thoroughly democratic modern ideal about art can fathom, because it is a function of much more than the intellect. Most students who can tell a Manet from a Monet think that in six months they can be operating at a competent level as a painter. Woe, woe, a striving after wind. The question becomes, how much can you get interested in the fact of endless challenge? Because that's what painting is, not a cuddly right brain refuge from the mean old left-brain world. And certainly not the flavor of hipness du jour, what endless malarkey that little pet devolution of modernism has generated. So, the usual stirring of the internal pot after a class, agonizing but relevant. Will simmer down now bit by bit and get back to work tomorrow.
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| april 13 |
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| april 14 |
Long sunny day of many different things, actually combined work and errands both north and south, rare. Worked on several paintings but none of the photos came out at all. Afraid that, between the shine and the depth this is only going to get worse as this all-oil system develops further. There's a landscape I've been working on for about four years now, an image of Farr Cross from possibly the most beautiful morning I've ever experienced, an indescribable fog-to-sun epiphany in early September, my favorite time of year anyway. Gave that another try today and it came forward, creaking all the way. It has so many inherent flaws from my general lack of understanding of how very differently landscape has to be painted, but still, I can't give up on it. Later, visited Steve the magical framer and got a few things back he's had for a while. Worked on one of those this afternoon, fun to see how much progress I've made with the system in the last few months, was able to make it much better. Which doesn't happen that often. It's strange, because what I'm doing is very simple, but very specific. Like the combination to a lock that you've memorized: you know it, and the lock just opens. So, plugging away, will try some different things and hopefully get better photos tomorrow.
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| april 15 |
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| april 16 |
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| april 18 |
Had not one, not two, but three versions of the famous warning dream, all involving variations of the car with too much acceleration and bad brakes theme. What could these possibly mean? Also woke up feeling that a back incident was imminent, unexpected, always gets my full attention. All in all, decided to take the day off as much as possible. Think this is a matter of no caffeine for a while, as well as doing more analysis and de-construction of my "have to sell more now" mode, which seems to leads to a kind of internal panic that appears to be ultimately counterproductive. Anyway, beginning to feel more human after a rest. Have been letting wasps out of the house, can actually talk them into the jar now, just requires patience. De-winterizing a bit, getting ready for class tomorrow: assembling ingredients, printing handouts, organizing things in my mind. How can it be communicated more clearly, get them in the swing of it quickly so we can go further?
On days like this I wonder about what might constitute a possible way out. Or if it's not possible to the mind, that I just have to have faith. If attempting to accelerate painting creates so much internal stress that my body begins to break, how can I ignore that? And yet, do not know how to formulate an answer any other way, in and of myself. An interesting example of something I've been up against over and over. I mean, for my life, I'm not in a tight spot. Not at all. And, ironically, by trying to avoid things getting tighter, I'm making them more that way. I think whoever is running my evolution, pulling these invisible strings, wants me to be a human being first, and a painter second. This is okay with me because I know that people who have been painters first have a tendency to become inhuman. And I can see these signs in my own more mechanistic behavior as I try to "get more done". Yet, life is not exactly offering opportunities to develop more in the way of the human interface. I'm looking, trying to puzzle it out, the "other" part that isn't painting. Most people who do this work have the opposite problem: too much "other", in spite of the other being in many ways helpful. But, having been isolated in this antiquated meta-quest for so long, and having become reasonably good at it -- not painting, meta-questing, jousting at windmills -- it would seem logical for this to prove useful in some way, or perhaps in some larger way. I mean, I would have kept cooking, but I was tossed out of cooking while at truly the zenith of my ability by the insanity of several sets of woeful amateurs in the health food arena. Another story, which you'll hopefully never hear. So, I've always thought there was a larger reason for this since it didn't feel like a choice I made, simply one I was driven to. But then I look at America and what it is involved with, what it is trying so hard to do that will never work in a million years, not just internationally or politically but i | |
Modulating the modernist maelstrom.